While I was trying to figure out a way to make her see that those who hurt her aren't her friends (and haven't been for a very long time), I was trying to come up with an analogy for her to understand. I used the river of life example, where friends come and go, and life goes on--but I don't think she got it. Or I didn't explain it right--which is probably the case.
So, later, I was thinking of a better way to explain my theory on friends and I came up with this one:
Friends are sorta like a closet of clothes:
- There are some that fit like a glove. Then there are those you have to work to get yourself into. There are a few in there that are a bit loose and you sort of have to cinch them with a belt to keep them up. Sometimes it's worth the effort, sometimes not.
- There are clothes that you should have gotten rid of years ago, but memories make you hang onto them--remembering the good times you had with them.
- There are seasonal clothes--the ones you only drag out for certain times of the year. In that category are special occasion clothes too--holiday clothes, wedding clothes, party clothes, camping clothes, etc. Sometimes these are the clothes that are tried and true--no matter that you have let them sit in the back of the closet the rest of the year. But some of these are just there because you need them only a few times a year.
- There are old clothes and new clothes. There are clothes with tags still on them, as you haven't quite figured out if you like them or not yet.
- There are warm clothes and cold clothes. There are clothes with holes from wear and tear, but you still like them. Some are comfy and easy to wear, while still others are sort of itchy and scratchy.
- If you are like me, you have some clothes that are missing buttons or they have frayed edges on the sleeves or legs--but you keep those clothes because you love them just the way they are.
- And if you are married, you have to sometimes share that closet--his clothes and your clothes mix and share the space--sometimes crowding each other and wrinkling some things. But it is a give and take, and you just sort of get used to those wrinkles because you realize it isn't something big to fight about.
Just for the record--I don't have a big closet. And the clothes I have are sorted through regularly and I only keep the things I really, really like and wear often.
Why do I think I am just going to confuse the kid even more? Sigh.
18 comments:
I love you analogy, Lin :) And so true!
I try to surround myself with people who are uplifting. I get rid of anyone who pulls me down.
Likewise with clothes - I remove any that don't make me feel good and donate them to charity. Maybe they'll be a better "friend" to someone else!
I think your analogy is GREAT...in fact, mind if I steal it? LOL! :) Friendship is such a hard thing sometimes, and it never really gets easier to handle the disappointment that sometimes comes along with it. I've been hurt more in my adult life by ADULT women than I ever was growing up. It's really been a struggle for me, but I'm slowly learning that just because you see someone all the time or get along...they may not be your "friend." Tell Em to hang in there...hugs to you both!
Great analogy...I have discovered over the years that I have "different" friends for different activities - not everyone likes everything I do - but there is always one who is there through thick and thin...
Love your analogy, Lin! My mom always says you don't need many friends, just a couple of good ones and I totally agree with her.
I'm also doing some spring cleaning in my life,getting rid of those toxic friends and relatives who drag you down when you're struggling to stay afloat.
Friends are so tough in the teens. I have had to have the friendship talk with my teenager and it's hard to explain why someone would act like that when there doesn't seem to be any motivation.
Teenagers have such capacity for kindness and an equal capacity for cruelty. Whoever hurt her just doesn't find her useful any longer and it's better she finds out now rather than when Em might really need her.
Well I think it is a fabulous analogy but...kids don't listen when it comes to their friends. I went over it and over it about one friend my daughter had. Now that she's almost 30 she's finally getting what I was talking about
What better analogy than a clothes closet for a teen girl? She will get it in time, but processing such heavy stuff is painful. (For Mom, too.)
I used to mentor kids in my younger days and I always got, "I'm such a loser. I don't have any friends. Look at **SHEila,etc** she has at least 50 friends.
I'd ask them "If Sheila was depressed (scared) at 3 am which one of her friends would she call for help and which one would actually help her.
Almost always they'd say, I don't know. Probably not that many.
Then Sheila really doesn't have 50 friends does she. A friend is someone who you can rely on. If you needed help, an ear, a ride because your boyfriend got drunk or rude, who could you call?
Then I'd start getting them to name the people in their lives and they'd figure out pretty quickly that they weren't losers.
All that is so true. That is such a good analogy of friendship. We like that a lot. And it is hard when one gets hurt by a supposedly friend. I just had a friend shoot me in the butt, so appreciate this post. Take care.
So that's what's wrong with all my friends. Thanks for clearing it up.
Oh, that was a good analogy, but it wasn't quite what I was expecting from the title. For with you having such a...um...well...outgoing personality, I figured that you might have a lot of experience with friends diving into closets when they see you coming down the hall. (LOL?)
I have a hard time finding clothes that fit at all. I'll be your friend, Lin. :)
That was the perfect analogy! Friendship in high school is so tough. Em's lucky she has you to help her through it all.
Duni--do you ever save something even though you don't wear it anymore? I do that sometimes. And I always wonder why. I'm like that with some friends too--hang onto them for reasons I don't know.
Sherrie--Steal away, pally! That's the thing--it never ends! Even when you are an adult, you still have that crap! Ugh. I think we are better off casting off the "clothes" that don't fit into our lives--don't you?
Grace--Yep, me too. Lots of clothes come and go, but there is always a comfy sweatshirt that you just seem to have forever. :)
Veronica Lee--Mom is right! It's important to realize and accept that some people shouldn't be in your life. I hope Em figures that out soon.
Anne--I think friends are tough all through life. Everyone changes all the time and you have to work on keeping the good friends. I'd like to kill some of these girls in my kid's life.
Patty--On a clear day, Em knows these aren't her friends--and she doesn't care about them. But then...every so often....she feels bad about it. In a year, when she's at college, these people will not matter an ounce to her. Hopefully.
Ann--I know. I guess I needed the analogy for me more than her. It's hard to say to your kid "Those are not friends." She knows...she just doesn't want to admit it.
Vanilla--I think she knows, deep inside. It's just a tough year with everything coming to an end and a new life ahead. It's gonna be a rough one, I think.
Ozark Mtn Cats--Hi Pally! Missed YOU!! :) I hate having to point out the times that this girl or that one was an idiot to Emma. She knows it, but she doesn't want to admit it. College is a year off--I think it will all change then. I can't wait.
Marge--We never outgrow this stuff, do we? I'm nearly 50 and I'm still trying to figure out who my friends are. Sorry about your friend problem. :(
Sharkey--yeah, they are missing buttons. ;)
Jerry--Oh, there are LOTS of people who run when they see me coming--but the benefit is that it weeds out the riff-raff. I'm making room for that one friend I have. Hahaha!
Casey--Hey! Welcome back, pally! I've missed you!! You will always be my friend, Casey. Someday soon, we are gonna meet up for cocktails on the beach. :) And we are gonna laugh our asses off!
Beaded Tail--Friendship is tough ALL the time, I say! Even now, I have to sort through that closet and I'm nearly 50! What is with that???!
I always say you should be able to count your true friends on one hand...I may even have a few fingers left in the count.
It appears Em and I are going through the same problem. Here I am, even at my age! I love your clothes closet analogy. It's perfect! My closet is much too small too. I just don't have the room for those clothes that are taking up too much space. Love it.
xo Catherine
I love your analogy! You are so smart and such a creative thinker!
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